The more I see this world, and it's machinations, the more I see the petty intrigues of fellow humans, the more frightened I get.
The more scared I am, the more wary I become, absolutely retreating into myself, afraid to interact, frozen half life.
I smile like the proverbial Cheshire cat, an enigmatic Sphinx of coy artifice.
Full of small talk, light inconsequentials.
While inside I sink into a despair, that I won't acknowledge.
Where is the wonder, the promise of joy in companionship? Which bubbled over only in the growing up years?
What the hell am I doing, dancing around daguerreotypes, making delicate figure eights around complicated people? Pas de douxs of compliance.
Then I come home and open the doors to the wonderful honest and inspiring world I inhabit with my children.
They're innocent, and straightforward. Their hearts are oceanic, full of loving energy, ready for adventure.
We play brain Vita, cut out a paper tree, or do origami houses and boats, lick the last crumbs of plum cake together.
True togetherness is such tenderness.
A crowd can encapsulate you with it's cold containment.
My mommy moments with two adorable boys who adore me unstintingly, only make my heart long for longer stints, more opportunities.
To see this story through.
I know we are parents. Doomed to love an eternity in a few short decades.
That we will see only half the life of those we gave lives to. Gave our lives for their very best interests.
That we will never see the end of our conjoined stories, or be there in a spiritual capacity to guide, hold up and support them.
I willingly cede my cute beauties. I have survived this harsh fact.
Inside your temples of consciousness I find an abode.
Where through your evolution, I will be refined.
And this me will walk the world again.
Better than before. Clothed in new garb.
A new body, a transformed face, an altered mind.
A higher dimensional consciousness.
I will not know I am I.
Yet in my journey I will seek and search out all the old familiars, the sanctum sanctorums that formed the essence of all my existences.
I will know myself again. By all I befriend.
Befriending, I will learn anew.
I will be aware this time, not afraid.
By teaching my children to cast out their fears I will cast out mine.
As I straighten their little backbones, I will walk taller.
And into this marvelous sunset of insubstantiality, we will gaze our unspoken admiration, our unspeakable love, of how far we have come, of how high we have reached, surpassing each other's expectations
Generations, are upgrades, wondrous stairways of double helical actualization.
The pathways coil inside. We shall ascend to overcome, all that limits us today.
To be contd
(c) Amrita Valan 2016
