The Last Time

The last time
I will not meet you
in my thoughts
Has come around
Again.
This has got to be
That last time
Ifeel the wrench
Of pain

Audible, alive
A scream
that never died.
Writhing inside
A basket of
Hissing snakes.
And something crumbles
Inside
Crystalline granular
Crushed ice
Melting to molasses
A slow drip...
Drip...drip.

There's an end
To even endless pain.
Malingering,badgering
Like a bad dream
Curling me up into a fetal
ball of
Raw pink flesh .

Whatever clutches my heart
Has turned septic
A disease and now surely
Must be drained.
Not love no longer pain...
And I wonder will your memories be,
A litany of unease?

I expelled I exorcized
the ghosts...
But  I cannot annihilate sudden fits of grief.

The tears dry before they can even fall
Eventually the heart learns all
Smash it often enough against unfeeling walls
Naiveté becomes practical
A cold malicious atavistic pride
Not to be taken for a ride.

For coaches turns out to be hollowed pumpkin shells
Upon midnights stroke of hell,
By the wishing well,
Coachmen and horses do turn back to mice
Fairy godmothers and charming princes
I'm quite certain now,
That both are lies.

Am I crying then for you, or me
Soul stung I hear heart's lullaby
My streaming spring bed
Though, is almost dry
Thirst can't quench the pity
Of what must die.

Again and again I will feel pain
Sure cessation of recycled rain
The ability to feel a tender sorrow
Keeps alive my hidden
Tomorrows.

Perfect planning for coming of age
As our souls mature to vintage
How to acquire the title of a sage
When all is lost
Lose your outrage.

So I accept
The terms of life
Be calm
Become at ease
And pick up the broken
thread where it was released
The moment turns, to return.
There are no last times
In our mind.

But Time is,
Finite.
our mortal portion
Carve we
As we will.

Melting passion
In pearly brine
Must have been
Part of some grand design
to straighten spines
To realign
To accept that it was destined
Love plays cruel to be most kind.

So only now, am I finally
Beginning to realize
I'm as happy as I desire to be
Don't need no fairies
Men or mice.
I can live without
you.
You're my best friend
You opened my eyes.

(c) Amrita Valan 2015