Life On A Timer

No I'm not dying and this is fiction.
:) I hope it holds some meaning. For whatever it's worth I leave it to you my friends.

Life on a Timer.

Six months to live. Dated . Knowledge of the expiry date. Life on a timer.
And the sunshine dazzling so meltingly...the shadows erupting to gentle cobwebs of memories.
Each memory a story but also a stop watch of time consumed.
The story the story burning alive like a blazing bush when the mind knows a few turns of the page lead into the finality of The End.

The afternoon is fine etched. Each heartbeat is joy and sorrow.
The dread and panic of every breath every mouthful of fresh air when I look at those little growing bodies those fresh innocent faces peaceful in sleep .
Oblivious to mother's life ebbing away....of the runaway rogue tide of time carrying away their mamma out to a sea of no return.
Lumps crumbling inside the chest...I have comforted you my son. The best I could.
I have promised you my son. You will see me again. I have assured you my son I will return to you to be yours again...as an acknowledgement however feeble to reality I have conceded I will not be your momma but your baby daughter.
I have watched the cloud burst of worry on your little face washed away by sunshine. As you gleefully chirruped threatening to spank me for my future misdeeds.  And then your soft angel eyes dissolved in love and you said I won't hit you when you're my baby, mamma, I will love you ...and I will wait for you to come back to me again.

Last night was the torture chamber again . When I admitted to you something that never occured in your baby mind.
You had successfully resolved the trauma of my approaching disappearance with the comfort of my eventual reoccurrence.
As your baby. But I had to tell you that when I come back again I will not remember that I was your mamma.
And your soft satin face was in tender shock. Which means I was correct in my assumptions.  When you pulled yourself together with unaccustomed effort my little man, I was in tears under my blanket breaking my heart over your bravery. Over the need for it.
Over the treacherous gift I have handed down to you.
This life.
My love.
Our memories.
And my son someday will you grow up in your heart?
Forgive me all my lies.
I did want to live on see you and my probable granddaughter.
I do want to see you again...
A next life would be heaven itself if It meant I could be cradled in your arms.
And all these fairytales I told you are loving certainties in my mind.
For I cannot do without them.
And their power of comforting you. You and me.
No resurrection can be more joyously awaited than our tender reunion.
I hope my son that the word hope means something. That my hopes dreams and earnest wishes earn us the points required.  For my world to collide with yours again in a meaningful fashion. In Time. Or out of it.
Though that's the place I cannot imagine.
Somewhere. Somehow.
Upon some universal day. In the distance.
And though all things look small from a greater altitude I pray that these thoughts of you gathering in my heart remain till the end. When Time breaks to reveal that which is beyond.
If you are not there. Or if you're and I don't remember you, then I don't think I want to reach that pinnacle.

Or else if I live to be a hundred and fifty and pass away in my bed peacefully surrounded by kith and kin and progeny...This beautiful day this infinite tenderness this fetching fascinating moment of my purest love will not meet validation.

The sunlight goes out.
The moon flows its milky froth and the stars are awesome bright.

Venus grows bigger in  the western skies...its glow is prophesy of perpetuation.

The cool evening air makes patterns of paradise. Counter reality check.

I came alone  I go alone.
But I leave you my heart behind.

Boat of existential reality rocks contrapuntally.

This love. It swings us too high. Then low as we can go. But always the feet touch the ground in rebellious upthrust. Swoops our being in blissful upward motion towards chariots unknown ... change... hope...love.

This key that unlocks all mysteries cosmic and divine.
I am pledging to you. Like a baton. Hold it in your hands son...
Run the race of your days a man... but never lose this key...
Which opens the door beyond all doors....unleashes a love of which there is no locking.

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(c) Amrita Valan 2014